Date night

Nothing like a hot date with a hoodlum in the 'hood.

HaHaHa! That's what I think he looks like with that beanie and scruff in this picture.

And the cheap theater is, well, kind of the ghetto movie theater. Isn't it usually? That doesn't make it any less enjoyable to me, though. Spencer kind of looks around feeling disgusted. And I normally would too, but when I'm at that particular theater and I look around, all I can see are past memories of my teenage years and the many movies I went to see with old friends...movies like Romeo and Juliet or Titanic. What? You didn't have the hots for Leo DiCaprio back in the day? (or the boys I sneaked in with...heehee). I can remember being the third wheel with one of my friends and the boy she liked...They sat next to me and made out half of the time through the movie Anaconda. All of a sudden she turned to me and said, "We've got to go to the bathroom NOW!" Inside the light of the bathroom she revealed the huge, red, splotchy spot on her neck...her first hickey! Gotta love being reminded of that as you step into that same restroom 13 years later.

I'm glad to be at that movie theater once again, but not as a wishy washy, hormone ridden teenager...A confident, settled, happy, and in love 26 year old woman...that somehow made it through all of those crazy teenage moments. And I stand there with the love of my life and ~sigh~

We watched a Jennifer Anniston movie, "Love Happens." It was a decent, mostly clean, romance. Yes, for once I got him to see a chick flick with me in a theater. Too bad I couldn't get him to make out with me like the good ol' days. {wink}

Another Glorious Day

First of all, thank you, for all of your sweet comments on my last post. Your support and encouragement has meant the world to me. I have the best blogger friends ever!

Yesterday was another fabulous day to celebrate my new found freedom. A few of us from church decided to get together and drive an hour north to this awesome place called Dauset Trails. A little nature walk in the woods. But it was SO fun! And peaceful at the same time. I always feel closer to my Heavenly Father when I'm out among his creations. And I made some good friends along the way, which is always a bonus for a loner like me. ;)

Who doesn't get a kick out of feeding goats dog food?!

...or kissing a wooden pelican?!

...or seeing turtles sunbathing!

Check out these massive fish! They apparently like dog food, too.

It was such a wonderful day! We just enjoyed laughing and chatting the ride there and back, getting chased by bees while we ate our picnic lunches, and snapping pictures of the awesome rehabilitated animals (ducks, cougar, bald eagle, fox, buffalo, deer, turkey, snakes, etc.). If you're a local, I highly recommend going to Dauset Trails if you enjoy a cool FREE activity. It's in Jackson, GA. Check it out at www.dausettrails.com

Happy November

Is it okay to have a new beginning in the 11th month of the year?

What a glorious day today has been! An official marking of a new beginning. My first day back at home.

Oh, how I love H-O-M-E.

I loved being home before, but somehow I have a renewed realization that it is honestly the best place I could ever be...besides my original home {mom and dad's house, 10 minutes away}. And of course, the temple and church. All together my top 4 favorite places to be. Stand in holy places.

I feel different. My experiences over the last 2 and a half months have changed me a lot. I would hope for the better. Strangely enough I feel weaker and stronger at the same time. I think I have a better understanding of myself, who I am and who I'm not. But my emotions are still extremely sensitive. I am easily affected by anything sad. I may not react outwardly in a visible way, but as soon as someone brings up something sorrowful I can feel myself putting up a brick wall inside and my ears start to turn off in an attempt to prevent a meltdown. I don't like this at all. I am hoping it's not a permanent scar.

But I feel empowered by the fact that I made it through as long as I did. I don't feel a failure at all...and I was afraid that I would. Only a renewed excitement for the opportunities ahead. Opportunities to create, opportunities to serve, opportunities to love. I feel a greater appreciation for those opportunities now that I've had a period of time without them. And I have it back now. I am ready to use it. I know that time won't always be there in the future. But even then, I hope I will remember to still try and do those things whenever and wherever I can. Especially to love. There is so much sadness in the world already without us adding to it. What's the point of being irritated with dumb stuff? Will it really matter tomorrow? What's the point in wasting time watching the crap on TV that I watch? It only makes me feel bad inside. I may laugh briefly, but do I come away from it feeling uplifted and happy, or like I've done something worthwhile? Not so much. So many sad things. I would rather fill my time with happy things...the things that matter most.

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Also, along the theme of a new beginning, I feel like it's time. You know what I mean.

It's time!

As in, it's time to do something about that 800 pound gorilla in the room named [infertility]. What an ugly name, too.

I've waited and waited, prayed, and waited, tried to do something about it, came away traumatized, and felt like I was just supposed to wait some more, and I've continued to wait, and pray, and wait. And while I've waited, I've just hoped and hoped for the miracle that we would just miraculously get pregnant on our own. We have never felt like it was time for us to seek infertility treatments again. I honestly don't think I was ready for it. I hate to use words like "bitter" or "angry" in the same sentence as my name. Maybe "non-acceptance" would be a better word. Overall acceptance of my childless situation...but Non-acceptance of what I would have to do to overcome that child-less situation. I have absolutely hated the idea that I would have to fork out approximately $10,000 and go through extremely painful procedures and processes to receive only about a 40% chance that it would even work to produce a pregnancy. Why does most everyone else get to create a family the good old fashioned FUN (and free) way?! Why the extra pain for me when my heart aches enough already? I was praying for a miracle, but apparently not willing to accept the work necessary to achieve that miracle.

But ya know what? I'm done.

I'm done thinking that way. I received a priesthood blessing yesterday. I was actually being set apart for my additional calling as ward music chair. And in that blessing this phrase stood out to me as the answer I was receiving to my prayers and fasting: "Anything that is worth having is worth the work to receive it." It hit me like I ton of bricks. I wasn't even thinking about my infertility situation! I was thinking about music for pete's sake! Music! And I'm sure that phrase will apply to my new calling as well, but in that moment I just knew what it meant. I felt it in my mind and heart. I now know what I have to do, and I accept it whole-heartedly. I got my answer. And it's time.

Pass the needles this way.

Happy Halloween!

Freedom in 2 weeks

I did it!
I finally did it!
Relief has swept over me, and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

After two of the longest, most agonizing months of my life I finally admitted to myself that a psychiatrist's office is just not the place someone like me needs to be 9 hours a day...at least not as an employee.

{Me, disgruntled, in my office corner} →

Perhaps I should have checked myself in as a patient instead. (heehee)

And while I am half joking with that comment, the other half of me means that seriously. I've learned a lot about mental health and behavior while I've been employed there. And a lot of the symptoms of depression that I've seen the patients display, I now recognize in myself during that terrible and lonely period of my life between about July 2007 and Oct 2008. I think there were times during that period that I suspected something was wrong beyond my control, but something kept me from admitting it. I kept telling myself that I would be fine, I just needed to deal with it and snap out of it. It wasn't until we moved back home and I had the immediate support of my closest family and friends that I really did "snap out of it" to a certain degree. The sunshine started to peer through the clouds and, well, I've been pretty much okay since then. Pretty happy actually. Of course still longing for the chance to be a mother, but content with my overall situation.

And then the opportunity for full time employment dropped in my lap. At the encouragement of my sweet family members thinking it would be "good for me" I finally thought "what the heck." In my mind I thought pushing papers and charts around would be easy enough. But, man, it is so much more intense than that. I interact with these different types of people with all different types of sad and sorrowful situations with regular frequency. It's like I catch glimpses of these people's sad situations and somehow their sorrows seem to stick to me. I can't seem to shake it and leave it at the office. I come home exhausted mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I finally reached my pinnacle this past Monday when I spent my holiday at home crying uncontrollably for most of the day. It wasn't even that any one patient's situation was bothering me...It was more like I literally had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Like I physically couldn't move because my heart felt SO heavy. I haven't been able to watch any TV as of late because any slight act of violence or anger displayed or sad story described would make me so upset that I would fall apart and start crying. Spencer was starting to notice this odd change in me. I realized on Monday that something needed to be done. I was sinking back into a deep depression, and this time I was aware enough to recognize the symptoms and bold enough to do something about it. At last.

I talked with the boss man. He happens to be one of the therapists. It was SO refreshing to talk to him. It was like he could read my mind. He compared my situation to an alcoholic working in a liquor store. Ha! And basically told me not to feel like I have failed. That I shouldn't continue to try to wear a shoe that doesn't fit me. Find something that suits you and stimulates a feeling of satisfaction, is what he encouraged. That's how I feel when I teach at the gym.

Man, I was so thankful for his understanding words.

Peace, at last.

Go Dawgs! Sic 'em

We had the pleasure of being invited to a UGA Bulldogs game with some friends of ours from church. SO FuN! I haven't been to a football game in ages! Even with the extreme downpour of rain all evening, we had a blast. We took along a little friend of our own...a school project for one of our nieces out in Utah: Mr. Flat Stanley, himself. Somehow he survived.

Nice and DRY before the game:

Completely soaked and exhausted (but still pumped from a good WIN) after the game:

Good times.

Do you have a loose screw?

Well, apparently Spencer does!

We went to the dentist recently and had updated X-rays done, and this is what the Doc found:

A LOOSE SCREW!! Ha Ha HAA!

Spencer has a plate in his jaw from when he broke it as a teenager. I'm sure you can guess how that happened...Fight! Fight! Fight!

Anyway, they printed out a picture of it for him to take home and we've all been having a good laugh about it ever since.

I always knew something wasn't quite right about him... HaHaHa!

Just a little tease, hottie of mine. Love you.

{happiness}

The end of summer is here. One last summery activity to mourn its passing. An Ice Cream trip! Just something little and fun to fill me with a feeling of summer {happiness}.

If there is a lesson in particular that I have learned during the past 3 years of my life (Yes, it's been that long now) it would be the principle of scraping happiness, as I like to call it.

Admit it...sometimes life sucks.

But can't we choose to emphasize the word sometimes and shove it/force it to be the smallest portion of our lives? Sometimes it can feel as though there is no {happiness} to be found, even when we're looking for it. It's at that point that I feel like I am scraping at the bottom of the barrel for the {happiness}. Well, I've found that if I just keep on scraping that somehow I can pull together just enough to make something slightly significant. And then...and this is the most important part...I take my scrapings and turn them over to the Lord. And somehow he turns those scraggly scrapings into a barrel full of {happiness}...or sometimes at least half a barrel. I can always tell when that miracle has been worked within me.

So ice cream. Summer. A breezy ride in my husband's white trash truck. The fact that my cute red-headed husband took me out to do these things on a weeknight when it's the last thing on earth that he felt like doing (can't you tell by his face?) just for the sake of my little {happiness}. Simple things, right? For me, those are just a few of the things that = {happiness}. Scrape it up.

What is this a picture of?

That's the question I asked my group of 5 and 6 year old Primary children today during our lesson on the Sacrament. There's one particular cutie pie, named Dustin...in the pics below he is second to the last on the left...He usually always knows the answers to the questions, is so understanding and thoughtful, and has a memory like I've never seen before in a child. So of course, I figured he would know the answer to this slightly more difficult question before the other kids would.

My assumption was right. Dustin piped up claiming to know the answer.

ME: "Yes, Dustin. What is this a picture of?"

DUSTIN (very proud of himself): "The Last Breakfast!"

ME: *momentary pause* "BaaaaaaHaaaHaaHaa!!"

DUSTIN: *smiles sheepishly*

Dustin, I'm sorry I laughed at you.

But that was so hilariously unexpected and cute that I could not restrain myself.

He did realize a moment later that it was the Last Supper and we had a wonderful lesson on the importance of the Sacrament. There's nothing quite like getting to teach these children about the true gospel of Jesus Christ. They're like little sponges. And I even got a couple of HuGs and I love you's today! Man, that just made my week...NO, my month!

Can't wait until next Sunday.

Kids + Dog = Crazy FUN

I babysat for my two brothers last night.

Call me crazy, but I love kids. Even the moments that I feel like pulling my hair out, I still just feel so lucky to be in the presence of innocence.

And you can continue to call me crazy...I loaded these adorable guys up in my little car, added a brown weenie dog to the mix, and took them to PetsMart. Or as they called it, the Doggie Toy Store! They of course went off to find the funny Halloween costumes made for dogs and we all had a good laugh as Hershey tried on a tiny, green-haired witch hat. You would think that Hershey would hate this like other dogs that consider it "torcher." NO, not my dog. She thinks she's getting pampered.

Another weenie dog moment.

The multi-tasker: quench my thirst AND take a bath. Bonus.

This dog L-O-V-E-S to take a nice hot bath. One of these days I should take a video of the pleasurable moaning and groaning she does as she soaks. Seriously. She sounds almost as bad as me when I'm getting a good back rub

A holiday meant for a RACE!

My classic finish line pose.

I do recall standing at the starting line about to fall asleep and thinking to myself, "Man. My one day off...and I signed up and paid money to wake up at the crack of dawn to run 3 miles as hard as I can. What was I thinking."

It's been years since I ran in the Labor Day Road Race with my family, since I've been away from home for the last 7 Labor Days. This race has become a family tradition...Of course it's because they usually have awesome food afterward! Yes, that's right...us Boland's show up for the FOOD. And shoot, you need it after running a 5K at 7:30 in the morning.

I didn't get to train really for this race. Like I said before, I haven't been able to exercise as much since I started this dang job. Dang job!

But I at least managed to finish with a typical Amy time: right at 30:00 min.

And had some good laughs with my family afterward while stuffing our faces with free Chick-fil-a chicken biscuits. Can't you tell from the picture that I'm yelling, "Bring ON the CHICK-FIL-A!!"

Happy Labor Day.

Who wouldn't want to teach in primary?!

Man, I love these kids!

I live for Sundays. The day I get to see these adorable guys and girls and listen to all of their funny stories and watch their faces light up when they say the name, "Jesus!" or "Heavenly Father!" as an answer to a question. Or see the light bulb in their mind go off as they start to understand the simple truths of the gospel. What a blessing it has been in my life to be apart of that. My day of the week to be a "mama" is what I call it! They are missing "Brother Bonner" being my team teacher, though. And I have to say, so am I. So FuN!

A few of the kids are missing in these pictures. When I have the whole class together there's about 10 or 11 of them. We always miss the ones that are gone! But we always have fun together, even on the rough days like today. Sheesh, they were wiggly today. And their wiggles make me want to wiggle! But NO, Sis. Bonner has to be reverent like an adult is supposed to. But I tell ya, all I want to do when I get around these kids is giggle and laugh and listen to their little stories. Love them.

Check US OuT

Friday night at last.

Got off work early. Changed into normal AmY clothes. So HaPpY to be home.

Having fun watching Spencer get packed for his first official campout with the Young Men.

waterproofed tent ☼ check

sleeping bag ☼ check

leather water pouch filled ☼ check

fishing pole ☼ check...

...cute husband geared up for a good time in the woods... ☼ CHECK

I am missing him tonight, but I hope he has a good time out with the boys doing manly man stuff. Little does he know, I'm out gallivanting and spending away my first official paycheck. {wink}

Well, I did go out shopping at Old Navy and found some awesome buys. A new yoga tank top for $1.50...can't beat that! I intend to wear it tomorrow

morning to teach my Saturday morning Total Body Training class.

Funny how I used to look at teaching at the gym as my "job," and now it really is that stress relief FuN hobby that I look so forward to and still get paid to do it. I cherish the moments when I get to move my body now that I'm sitting at a desk all day and have a greater tendency to reach for the chocolate to soothe my weary soul. Unfortunately my exercise routine is not nearly as abundant as it used to be when I wasn't working FT. ~sigh~ Slowly, but surely I will adjust to this new lifestyle. I. will. press. forward.

BiG Jumps ♫

The song that's playing right now is one of my recent favorites. If you know me at all, you know how much I love music, and I love it when I find a song that describes a certain emotion I'm feeling or a phase in my life. Typically the songs I choose to play first on my playlist will usually be a good sign of the emotion I'm trying to get across to all my fine peeps out there. Or maybe I just like it.

BiG Jumps. I just made one. Seriously. This is big news. ME...AmY...the girl that was desperately clinging to her full-time position as housewife and homemaker for Bonner Inc. went and did the unthinkable: Yes...I indeed went and pushed myself over the edge into working full-time...like, at a work place. I got a stinkin' JOB people! This is HUGE! And it all happened so suddenly and fast and I can't say that I really wanted to do it or even now after my first week at the job that I'm super happy about it. I miss being home terribly. This is going to be a huge adjustment for me. My house is a little messier than I normally like it to be because I haven't gotten the hang of when exactly is the best time to clean it...And I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack every time I look around and realize it's messy and that I don't have time to clean it up because there's somewhere else I have to be. When am I going to get to sit? And I'm sitting right now typing obviously...which feels great, let me tell you. But it's Sunday, so I of course cannot clean my house TODAY. Spencer and I have decided it will have to be the "activity" for tomorrow night's FHE.

Oh, and I suppose you must be wanting to know what my new job is?
A Psychiatrist's Office. Secretary. I call patients to remind them of their appointments, I take care of all of the files and paperwork, pulling charts for the next day. And this coming week I'll learn more about scheduling and checking patients in and out.
It's been pretty interesting so far, not that I really learn what all is going on with each patient, but it certainly amazes me how many people in the world need medication for their mental health. I mean this place was hoppin' like a restaurant on a Friday night! Forgive me, I don't mean to make light of situations that can be serious. There are indeed many situations where there is a legitimate need for a medication. But I have to admit that there were a lot of people coming in there with just any old reason or excuse to want to pop a pill that they think will fix all of the mistakes in their life. That's the part that is sad to me. It all makes me very grateful for the gospel in my life and for the amazing support system my family is...and friends too. One lesson learned this week: Obedience to the commandments provides the ultimate happiness in life...the ultimate direction and peace that cannot be found in a pill.

Another thing that is awkward about working there: the fact that ME...the "sad girl that's trying to be happy anyway even though she can't have babies"...is the happiest person working in that office. The other two girls that work in that office have sad situations themselves as poor, single mothers and a sour attitude to go with it. We seriously have nothing in common. They guzzle soda and donuts like there's no tomorrow and then give me the evil eye as I laughingly crack a joke about the fact that it's awkward for me to sit in a chair that is two times too big for me to sit in and maneuver. I'm sorry! I'm little. Meanwhile the one girl that is supposed to be my supervisor acts like she's constantly annoyed at my presence. I think they somehow sense that I am a happy person, that I am at peace with my life, and it bothers them. Annoys them. And that makes me sad. But what can you do? I'm just determined to push through and do the best that I can. Always my personal best. So here we go with week 2. Wish me luck, because I need it. Yes. Amy has a JOB.

Life and Death

I have been very busy lately. On the bright side of that busy coin, we've had a welcome addition to our family! My brother Rex now has 4 beautiful children since baby

Joseph Emerson Boland

joined us on Tuesday morning. I loved taking the kids to the hospital and witnessing their excitement to see their new baby brother for the first time. I've been having fun helping to take care of them while things are busy with the new baby. Lots of fun playing at parks and walking trails and even opening happy meals for them at McDonalds. Trust me, they were excited.

On the not-so-bright side of the busy coin, I have had to plan the music for and sing at 2 different funerals, and now sing again for a 3rd within a 2 week period. I have learned how to quickly prepare a special musical number to sing at the last minute. I have learned how to learn a song I didn't know and then teach it to others so we could all sing it at the last minute together (because of course you have to sing what is requested). I have learned that some people ironically find more comfort in secular music that has no substance, rather than songs that are filled with eternal truths and the power of the Spirit. Very sad to me. I was witness to the 'weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth,' as they say.
And I have learned that funerals, even when you don't especially know the deceased very well, are definitely draining. I kind of wish people would stop dropping left and right around here! And I also learned to be bold enough to say how I feel and not just say 'Yes' to someone's request of me. Being considered to be on the 'available and dependable' list can have it's drawbacks. And it's pluses...Service given to those who are in definite need of the service are very rewarding and cherished experiences for me. But of course all of it, good or bad, happy or sad, can be overwhelming and stressful and take a toll on the emotions and nerves. I suppose when it rains it pours, right? Well, I think I am to a point that I am soaked and I want to go inside to dry off. Oh, by the way, on top if it all...

My sweet husband (whom I am very happy to have back home with me this past week) just got sustained and set apart on Sunday in his new calling as Young Men's President. As you can imagine he is quite overwhelmed. And me? I am just so sad he will no longer be with me team teaching our Primary class together!! I swear, that was the funnest thing we have ever done together! ::sniff::