pieces of me

I remember the day I felt the thought cross my mind...

I was driving home from church.
I was probably mentally and physically drained from fulfilling church responsibilities for 3 hours, yet still on a spiritual high from it all. A much needed high after 3 months of enduring the emotional exhaustion of the poking, prodding, drugging, and crying that go along with infertility treatments.

We were in the middle of an IUI round... our last one.
My Dr. was always optimistically encouraging about trying IUI first. She never discouraged us from it. But she was always realistic with me too. It's not like this was her first time at the rodeo. And I think she knew the possibility of success was very slim.  She was anxious for us to have success.  She was anxious for us to move on to the big guns... IVF.  But while she was realistic about our treatment options, we were realistic about our financial options...which inherently made our treatment options less real.

When I received an email mid-cycle from my primary nurse informing me that Dr. Hasty wanted a consult appointment with me, it made me really nervous. She wouldn't say what it was about. But I knew it must be something in depth if she wanted me to drive 2 hours to ATL just for me to sit down and chat with her.

I can't remember how long I had to wait for that appointment day... Just that it felt like an eternity. Any time your mind is left to wonder and imagine, it's likely that your imagination will get the better of you and your nervous system.  As if going through an IUI round isn't anxiety-inducing enough as it is. :/  But I wondered and wondered...what on earth does she want to talk to me about?!...

...and then I felt the thought cross my mind...

Egg Donor.

She's going to suggest the possibility of becoming an egg donor so we can afford to do IVF!

Eureka! 

haha!  Actually, it did indeed feel like a Eureka moment.  You know that feeling when everything just clicks in your mind and it feels aww-worthy, mind-boggling, and yet clear all at the same time?  You start connecting dots and making plans.  It was so strange to feel excited at such a prospect...donating my eggs.  I don't know how much of that really sunk in at that moment.  I think most of what I was thinking was that I possibly just discovered an open door in a dungeon full of slammed shut and locked ones.  The door that would lead to my baby.  Of course, I didn't know for sure that that's what Dr. Hasty had up her sleeve, but I felt pretty confident.  I felt like I had received a prompting from the Holy Ghost.  I felt like God was preparing my mind for what I was about to hear and discuss with Dr. Hasty, and He was letting me know that it was a good thing for me to be willing to do.  I would be helping others who were in a similar yet seemingly worse-off situation than I was by making an anonymous donation of my healthy eggs, and in turn would be helping myself by receiving a cost-reduced IVF.

In that moment in my car on the way home from church, before I ever even heard a word about it from Dr. Hasty, I committed myself to be willing to make sacrifices for my future children.  Even if it meant giving away little pieces of me.

Fast forward to TODAY.

"Wait, wait!" you say.  "What happened at your consult appointment with Dr. Hasty?"  Well...

Yes, my thoughts were right.  Dr. Hasty suggested the possibility of becoming an egg donor.

Yes, our last IUI round failed that month.  Obviously.

And YES, I wanted to do IVF through the egg donor program.

Like, right away.

Unfortunately, this was about the time my gallbladder issues took over, and after seeing Dr's about that, I began to feel all doctored out, all drugged out, all needled out, and I just wanted to be left the heck alone and maybe even do something fun for once.  So I hopped in my car and drove to Kansas.  By myself.  To visit my sister and her family!  It was GREAT!  It was just what I needed to get my mind off of the crap I had just been through.  And then I came home and threw myself into planning the enormous joint-ward music-filled Christmas Program that I was in charge of.  It was huge.  And it was FANTASTIC!  And beautifully exhausting.  With Christmas over at the turn of the year, I decided to continue the search to discover my gallbladder problems.  Yep, discovered them alright.  And had surgery to remove them.  And now finally, after getting over the hump of surgery recovery, Stake Conference planning, and Scout Camp for Spencer, we feel like the timing is right and we want to press forward with making plans for IVF.  Through the egg donor program, of course.  That was the plan.

Until TODAY.

Yesterday...no, no...Last week...no, before then...Okay, the end of June...I started to fill out a stack of papers that seemed as thick as the phone book.  It took awhile.  I had to ask family members for personal health information (awkward).  These papers demanded every little detail about me and my family history.  Every genetic detail.  And for some reason it wasn't very hard answering these questions.  Not even the ones where I had to discuss my acne prone skin.  No...it was the very end...the part where they asked me for 3 pictures.  So I went a hunting for the perfect ones, including a baby photo, a child photo, and an adult photo.  I pulled out the old baby book and began flipping pages and sorting through memories.  I looked at the funny ones with my eyes crossed (unintentionally) and the even more funny (and embarrassing) ones when I had to get glasses as thick as coke bottles to correct my poor crossed eyes.  And oh my, that fro of blond curls was enough to make a poodle jealous.  My heart sank.  I began to think, "What kind of picture am I supposed to send to a freakin' egg donor bank?!  Nobody's going to choose eggs from a girl that looks like THAT!  Or THAT!  What are these people looking for?  Angelina Jolie?!  Why can't they just like me the way I am?  Crossed-eyes and poodle hair included.  It didn't help when I asked Spencer what he thought, and being the forth-right kind of guy that he is, very honestly told me that I shouldn't send in any pictures of me with glasses on.  What?!  Why?  That was a HUGE part of my childhood!  That was who I am!

And then it hit me.

And the waterworks started.

I was not just giving away eggs by the dozen like how you buy them at the store.  

I was giving away MY crossed green eyes

MY petite frame and summer-tanned arms

MY long fingers and toes

My loud laugh

My quiet nature

My love for music

My tendency for art

And MY dark blond lion's mane.

It suddenly felt like I was giving away ME.  And felt like no one would really truly understand and appreciate ME.  Why am I giving a Baby Me to someone else that will never really know or understand me when I don't even have a guarantee that through this I will receive my own Baby Me? {sob!} I just want a Baby Me!!!

*deep breath*

*stifled cries*

*self encouragement* ....You can do this, Amy.  This is the right thing to do.  You feel good about this.  This will help you get your Baby Me.  And it's okay to share Baby Me with someone else that doesn't even have the hope or chance to have a Baby Them.  You can do this.

So I did it.

I hit the Send button.

Or at least I thought I did.  Apparently it never went through when I hit that send button Monday of last week.  I found that out yesterday and spent the whole day trying to figure out how to scan it so that it was small enough to email and still big enough to at least be seen.  And then the confusion between the nurses as to who was my official primary nurse now and the miscommunication about whether I was trying to receive eggs or donate them, and then the big fat worry-filled question mark of whether the Endometriosis has returned and questions regarding that. *sigh* It was a lot going on in one day, and thankfully it ended on a good note.  I was able to officially get the documents sent and into the right hands.  I was able to clarify my situation, find out who my official primary nurse is, and set up for testing to start next week.  I also found out the worry-relieving good news that even if my Endometriosis has come back that I don't have to have surgery for it if I'm about to do IVF.  Woohoo!  Really good news.  And I went to bed satisfied with my days work.

However, TODAY.

This morning, everything changed.

I received an email at 8:27 am informing me that the Dr's reviewed my case yesterday and declined my application to become an egg donor.

WHAT?!  Why?!  I'm not really sure.  All they could give me was a vague list of common reasons applicants get declined, none of which applied to me, except for possibly medical conditions, either for myself or regarding family history.  They also said that even if everything was perfect that they have to additionally consider the current needs of the donor bank.

It felt like such a huge, unexpected slap in the face.  It felt like major rejection.  It felt like yet another door slamming shut, and the darkness of the dungeon seemed to overtake me for a brief moment.  

It took a few minutes until my tear-filled eyes readjusted again.  I looked at my list of things I had hoped to accomplish TODAY.  I looked back at that awful email filled with cold, politically-correct disappointment.  After a good cry-out, I got up and made the decision to press forward with my day.  I decided that there was still hope.  I decided to focus on the things that I could control, and not let the things that I can't control weigh me down.  I decided to focus on someone else besides myself and my sadness.  I was able to go meet my good friend's new baby boy for the first time and thoroughly enjoyed laughing and chatting with her and seeing the pure JOY in her tired eyes from the excitement and relief of finally having her baby here. Her happiness made me happy.  And that felt good. :)

I'm not really sure what will happen from here.  We are pursuing financial options and hoping that we can manage to afford paying for the full-blown IVF cost and stick with our original timeline.  We will fast and pray to know what to do.  And I know that it will all work out.

In the meantime, I am feeling quite satisfied that I pulled together enough courage and willingness to share my precious gift of procreation.  And here at the end of this long, hard day, I am actually feeling relieved that I'm not being required to give it.  Kind of like Abraham and Issac.  I feel like I passed some kind of test.  I feel like I am stronger than ever.  I feel like I know myself better.  Like I can see a bit of the puzzle...

...among the pieces of me.