I have been missing from the blog lately, I know.
But it doesn't mean I haven't been writing...
I just hadn't Published my writings.
I've actually written a lot through my IVF and miscarriage experience. Mostly in my journal. But others were unpublished posts on this blog that I just wasn't ready to share yet.
I wasn't sure if or when I would share them. After my extremely hard experiences, I've felt wary of the "outside world"... meaning outside of my home and comfort circle. My social abilities have been very limited, and I've mostly kept to myself and didn't dare share much with anyone else besides those that I knew I could trust and would have compassion on me.
I haven't quite been myself, I know.
I am not the same as I used to be.
I feel like damaged goods. And for some reason, mostly my social skills seem to be impacted.
But I am trying. I just keep trying.
A little at a time, I put myself out there.
As I've prayed for direction in my life, something that kept coming to my mind was that my mission is not yet complete, and that I need to tell my story. I need to write it down. So the last month or so, I've occasionally taken a day and worked feverishly to write and type what I've felt and what I've been through. Most of it was already written somewhere, but I had to collect it all in this one place on the blog.
It's not easy to put these feelings out there for the world to examine and perhaps judge. But they are truth. They are real life. They are my deepest most inner thoughts during the depths of my turmoil and despair. They are my Joys and my Sorrows. They are me.
And so with slight hesitancy, I am officially pressing the "Publish" button on these posts.
Read if you dare to go down this road with me.
Fair warning: It might get bumpy.
There are about 15 new posts down below.
To start directly with the the beginning of the IVF cycle, click here.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteWhat a brave and honest person you are. I think it's so good of you to share your story. I am sure it will help others in a similar situation. Our thoughts and prayers will be with you and Spencer.
Rachel
Thank you so much, Rachel! Your prayers are definitely appreciated.
DeleteAmy, I left a comment on your post, "Pieces of Me." I hope you don't mind if I comment again. :) We both lived at La Jolla apartments in Rexburg and had a Sociology class together with Brother Stokes.
ReplyDeleteFirst I wanted to tell you that your writing is beautiful. You have a special way of capturing your emotions through your words.
Thank you for writing your story. Although our lives have led us through different experiences, I have learned so much from you as you've remained faithful through your trials. You are a very strong woman. You have inspired me to love deeper, study and pray harder, focus on my blessings, and be more anxiously engaged in good works. Although you have experienced dark times during these last several years, it's obvious that you are a positive person and while your blog is titled "Finding the Sunshine," I'm sure YOU are the sunshine in all the lives of those you associate with.
Thanks again for deciding to share your story.
Love,
Jill (Brooks) Barnes
Hi Jill!
DeleteYes, I did get that other comment you posted! And I DEFINITELY remember you! I'm so glad to hear from you and that you found me through the blogosphere!
Thank you so much for your kind words and for being willing to read through the "raw" feelings that I have put out there. A lot of these words were never meant for public eyes and were written in the heat of the moment. Even though these things are so intense and intimate, I've found it very healing to put them out there into the world. It has helped me to feel like I am helping people to understand me. And that seems to be the main thing I have struggled with, even more than the actual loss. So thanks for your compassion and understanding and for being willing to comment with such sweetness!
Lots of Love,
Amy
Amy, I'm so glad you remember me because that makes my comments less creepy! I'm pretty sure we'd be friends in our current lives. At least, I'd want to be!
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave to have shared your story. I truly hope that it has helped with the healing process. I think my favorite part of your story is how you talk about your husband and the closeness you feel too each other. It seems trials like yours often leave a couple feeling divided and resentful. Your strong relationship is refreshing to read about.
If you ever feel like reminiscing about a time in your life that is not misunderstood, I'd be happy to laugh about all the BYU-Idaho cliches I'm sure we both experienced!
Please continue to write because it is both uplifting and inspiring!
Love,
Jill
You're a strong and brave soul who has been through a tremendously tough time. And it is astounding how life trauma can make us shy away from the often hurtful world, and yet sharing the truth of our experiences is a way to help us heal just a little bit. It's a paradox which makes us fearful and hesitant, even after we 'publish', but it also does help you and others who read your story. Your blog (and my blog and everyone else's blogs) are one way to find that common understanding that is just not available within some of our face-to-face relationships.
ReplyDeleteI hope you start to feel yourself again soon - and hopefully it is a new sense of self. One that is a reflection of the powerful person you truly are.
Jen.
Amy-
ReplyDeleteI've missed your blog posts and the catching up was incredible! You are amazing and strong and I thought you should know that!
Amy,
ReplyDeleteI've wondered often how your IVF experience was going. For some reason, this post didn't show up on my blog feed until now. I know you don't want pity. I know we don't know each other in real life. And I know our stories at this point have different endings. So I don't know what to say, except thank you. You are real and good and strong. Please know that your story has been heard. I cried as I sit here in Oregon with my babe in my arms. You are such an example of faith and courage. I felt such anger towards Heavenly Father during my depression and infertility. A friend asked me the other night if I have a different perspective on our trials now that our son is here. We talked a little about it, and I told her that if God had told me we would have to wait 10 years, I could have handled it. It was the not knowing that was unbearable. Not knowing if our dreams were foolishness or hope. You held onto your hope against all odds. I love you in a non-creeper blog friend way, and I'm very grateful your shared your experience.
Also, I want to throttle the pest control spammers who left comments on these posts. That's all.