Freedom in 2 weeks

I did it! I finally did it! Relief has swept over me, and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

After two of the longest, most agonizing months of my life I finally admitted to myself that a psychiatrist's office is just not the place someone like me needs to be 9 hours a day...at least not as an employee.

{Me, disgruntled, in my office corner} →

Perhaps I should have checked myself in as a patient instead. (heehee)

And while I am half joking with that comment, the other half of me means that seriously. I've learned a lot about mental health and behavior while I've been employed there. And a lot of the symptoms of depression that I've seen the patients display, I now recognize in myself during that terrible and lonely period of my life between about July 2007 and Oct 2008. I think there were times during that period that I suspected something was wrong beyond my control, but something kept me from admitting it. I kept telling myself that I would be fine, I just needed to deal with it and snap out of it. It wasn't until we moved back home and I had the immediate support of my closest family and friends that I really did "snap out of it" to a certain degree. The sunshine started to peer through the clouds and, well, I've been pretty much okay since then. Pretty happy actually. Of course still longing for the chance to be a mother, but content with my overall situation.

And then the opportunity for full time employment dropped in my lap. At the encouragement of my sweet family members thinking it would be "good for me" I finally thought "what the heck." In my mind I thought pushing papers and charts around would be easy enough. But, man, it is so much more intense than that. I interact with these different types of people with all different types of sad and sorrowful situations with regular frequency. It's like I catch glimpses of these people's sad situations and somehow their sorrows seem to stick to me. I can't seem to shake it and leave it at the office. I come home exhausted mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I finally reached my pinnacle this past Monday when I spent my holiday at home crying uncontrollably for most of the day. It wasn't even that any one patient's situation was bothering me...It was more like I literally had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Like I physically couldn't move because my heart felt SO heavy. I haven't been able to watch any TV as of late because any slight act of violence or anger displayed or sad story described would make me so upset that I would fall apart and start crying. Spencer was starting to notice this odd change in me. I realized on Monday that something needed to be done. I was sinking back into a deep depression, and this time I was aware enough to recognize the symptoms and bold enough to do something about it. At last.

I talked with the boss man. He happens to be one of the therapists. It was SO refreshing to talk to him. It was like he could read my mind. He compared my situation to an alcoholic working in a liquor store. Ha! And basically told me not to feel like I have failed. That I shouldn't continue to try to wear a shoe that doesn't fit me. Find something that suits you and stimulates a feeling of satisfaction, is what he encouraged. That's how I feel when I teach at the gym.

Man, I was so thankful for his understanding words.

Peace, at last.