A Busy Bee

For the last little while (as in the past 6 months) the idea of blogging has not been something I've been anxious to do. Partly a lack of interest in it for whatever reason, or a desire to open up to anyone about my feelings, and MOSTLY because I'm pulling my hair out with extreme busyness, and blogging seems to be at the bottom of my priority list. It is frustrating when you have the "free" schedule of a housewife and yet it is filled to the brim (with all good things--like pounds and pounds of church stuff) and you don't feel the least bit FREE. And then everyone comes at you at once with the presumption that since you have a "free" schedule you are therefore able to do their bidding. I am still learning how to be the boss of my own time as opposed to People-Pleasing AmY. I can proudly say (with a slight guilty tremble) that I have actually said the word "NO" to a few people lately. Okay, just one. But it felt good (and bad) at the same time... Who am I kidding?! It feels awful to have to admit I can't do something for somebody, especially when it's a good thing!! I HATE being spread thin and feeling like I can't fully accomplish each very important task because of it! But I am running around like a mad woman trying to do my best. I do it for the Lord. And I do it for the people I care about.
 
The biggest thing I keep at the top of the list for ME & my Family: Cleaning my house. It's always a priority because otherwise I can't think clearly, my ability to be guided by the Spirit feels impaired, and my life feels more chaotic than it already is. Is my house perfect? No. But I feel better when I am trying to keep it as orderly as possible. Not only do I feel better when my things are in order, but I also feel better when I am organizing my time. So I create lists and schedules. I map out my expectations for the day. I do my best to accomplish as much on my list as possible. But lately my daily list is continuously spilling over into the next day, and then the next day, and then the next day...And it builds up, and I start to feel overwhelmed and unsuccessful...and I have a melt down. And I become useless for a day while I cry all of the stress out. Which makes me freak out even more because I wasted a whole day crying when it could have been spent trying to accomplish tasks! Does this sound familiar to anyone?? Sometimes I really hate being an emotional woman.
 
What is it I'm doing? Well, it's something that will hopefully make it worth all of the hair pulling and stressful melt downs. The last 21 months or so, the Atlanta LDS Temple has been closed for renovations. And now it's ready to be rededicated and re-open for worthy LDS members to enter. Before that happens (on May 1st), there are some special events that are going to take place: The Temple will be open for public viewing and tours! The tours start next weekend! If you are in the Atlanta/Sandy Springs area in the next few weeks, and would like to see the inside of the Temple, go to www.ldschurchtemples.com/openhouse to make a reservation. It's completely Free! I get to actually be a Tour Guide on April 20th and am learning what I need to do for that assignment, which I'm a little nervous about but know it will be a very neat and rewarding experience. Also to do with these open house tours of the temple that is keeping my time very occupied: I am helping to coordinate the instrumental background music that will be played at the hosting tent on the temple grounds, which is where everyone will go after they finish the tour. I am constantly getting emails with updates and changes and have to regroup and redistribute information for my participating musicians, as well as coordinate for more musicians to help. Here's a picture of what I look at on my computer screen all day and have to sort through:
 
The continual flow of new and changing information can often feel a bit disorganized and scattered and make me feel like I can't keep up with it all. There's also another much bigger event that I'm involved in (that a lot of people are involved in) and that's the Youth Cultural Celebration that will take place the night before the dedication. The prophet, Thomas S. Monson will be present there and speak, and then the youth from all throughout the temple district will perform the songs and dances that they have worked so hard to learn and prepare for. My assignment is to see to it that the youth throughout our Macon Stake know the assigned music, for the cast/dance members, and also the youth choir. I also have double duty since I have to work on the Stake AND ward level. This is the main haul of what has occupied my energy and frustration. Add to it that I just volunteered to help sew the costumes for all of these kids. It is a HUGE task. And I am certainly not the only one feeling overwhelmed. But I just pray that all of our hard work will come out successful and that it will end up being an amazing testimony building experience for these kids to feel the power of being in the same room as the prophet. I pray that the instrumental music played for the temple open houses will help create an environment where the Spirit can be felt, and that someone will be influenced by it. These are the reasons that I pour my heart and soul into these tasks.
 
Of course, this is all in addition to my usual stuff that I am normally responsible for, and things like singing at a funeral this week always pop up unexpectedly to add to the excitement of it all. If there's anything that drains the life out of me, it is singing at a funeral. It is very emotionally depleting. But I do it. Because it's the last service you can give to a person, and it always seems to be helpful to the grieving family.
 
Throughout my patriarchal blessing, there is a recurring theme: Talents and Building up the Kingdom of God. A few brief excerpts are "...you made a choice and covenant with our Father in Heaven that you would come to earth and take upon you the responsibilities to help in building up the kingdom of God upon the earth." "...I bless you that you might always have the desire to use your talents that you have been given to build up the kingdom here on earth..." "Continue to use these talents and blessings in your life to bless the lives of others." These are the words that ring in my ears and burn in my heart. I've got the opportunity right here right now.
 
I know I talk a lot on this blog about my emotional struggles with infertility, but in reality, though it is a large experience in my life, it occupies a very small portion of my thoughts compared to the amount of words it takes up on this blog. I am about SO much more than that one issue.

So I am a Busy Bee. I am busy becoming who I ought to be. 

And that's the update on ME!