I've been busy.
I've been doing the same old same old.
There's nothing new to tell. Nothing to elaborate on. No grand news to present. Life just ticks on and we press forward doing the best we can to make the most of it...
...Or maybe my life has been news-worthy and something to elaborate on...and I just haven't recognized it. Perhaps I should start blogging again...instead of wasting the little bit of extra time I have scouring Facebook for something news-worthy in everyone else's lives.
**I just deactivated my Facebook account.** It felt... very liberating.
Yes. yes. I think I'm on to something here...
Perhaps the "friendly" world of Facebook has backfired on me with a subtle negative impact. I've been subconsciously comparing my life to everyone else's and feeling inferior, insecure, and discontent because of those comparisons. Dang it, why do women do that?! It's one of my biggest pet peeves, that apparently I am occasionally guilty of myself. I hate it. And I want to rid myself of it as soon as I discover it.
And as much we all love Pinterest and Blog hopping, perhaps I could lump them right in there with the culprit category of Facebook too. I'll admit for a while now I've had a love-hate relationship with Pinterest and the good ol' blogosphere. I've found myself being very picky and careful about how much time I spend doing either of them, because the feelings of discontentment they've provoked for me have been obvious. Browsing and scouring for perfection and the cutest of all cute things, I get carried away and end up feeling like what I already have isn't good enough...isn't cute enough...isn't artistic enough...isn't...isn't... I'm carried away from cute and crafty blog to an even cuter and craftier blog and I find myself forgetting who I am and what my personal style is, because I'm too busy focusing on what everyone else's style is.
Funny. I thought I had more self-esteem than that.
Actually, I know I do.
"I know who I am. I know God's plan. I'll follow Him in faith." (song found here)
Life is not about having the cutest blog, the cutest photos, the cutest crafts, the cutest clothes, the cutest furniture and home decor...
And it's funny that I'm even talking about those things, because in truth those aren't the things that I compare myself to. Those aren't the things that make me feel inferior or sad.
My downfall is the comparison of LIFE.
My downfall is wishing I had studied something different in school.
My downfall is wishing me and Spencer could just freakin' spend some time together and not have a mile-long list of church duties that stress us out with commitment after commitment that take us in opposite ends of the spectrum. Yeah, just because we are childless, doesn't mean we have some romantic fantasy life filled with travels and constant alone-time. In fact, though I will always have moments of sadness about not having children, I've become accepting of and at peace about that situation in our lives, and instead actually rather upset about the fact that I can't even seem to have the opportunity to enjoy what I DO have.
My downfall is feeling frustrated with church. With my workload. With the people. With the contention and awkwardness among the people. People that don't carry their fair share of the load, and instead let the same 5 people do everything when they themselves are fully talented and capable enough and are too self-centered to care about anything or anybody else. I am tired. I am worn out. I'm ready for a change.
My downfall is caring too much. Being too passionate and trying so hard. Wanting and thinking I can do it all...just because I care so much.
My downfall is getting upset when I find out that 19 year old girl that just got married 3 months ago is now pregnant. Yipee.
Oh Facebook. How I have loved thee... or apparently hated thee... and didn't even know it.
It's time to make some changes. Some serious changes.
Changes in my social life. Changes in my personal life. Changes in my church life.
....Changes in my attitude.... in every way for the better.
[RESET BUTTON] ....consider yourself pressed.
I get these feelings, and do just what you do... focus on the basics and press the reset button. It helps. Good luck. :)
ReplyDeleteAmy, you're wonderful. I've been thInking about you and hoping you're well.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteI keep hoping the best for you. I went through this in the past couple of years. I don't know how or why or when it happened, but I feel like my outlook has changed. I am now happy with who I am, and happy for others and what they have. I follow tons of craft blogs, but only for ideas. I think that sometimes they look fun and will adjust the craft to my taste or liking, and sometimes the craft just isn't for me. I do wish things different about myself, but i've accepted who I am and what I am and where my life is at this time. It's a great feeling and I hope you find that too. I feel the same about our ward. It's the same few people helping all the time. You can only do so much, you have to decide your priorities and turn the rest down. Allow someone else to step in. Relax and let life happen. I'm glad I know you and wish you the best always.
Change can be a wonderful thing. I did it a few months ago and it made a world of difference. I feel much more like myself and so much happier. Good luck on your grand adventure of CHANGE!
ReplyDeleteMy dear sweet beautiful friend....you are one of, if not the most, brave person I know. I am always in awe of your poise and grace. You are and always will be in my prayers. I love you to pieces! Thanks for your example.
ReplyDeleteI love YOU and all of your thoughts. I am hitting the reset button with you.....
ReplyDelete