Officially Crazy

I think I've officially gone CRAZY.

The IVF shots and meds and everything leading up to the embryo transfer was a cakewalk compared to what I'm feeling now.  Between the progesterone shots, the constant exhaustion, and then receiving the sad blow yesterday that our 2 leftover embryos didn't survive, I have come to the point where I am physically, spiritually, and emotionally hanging by a thread.

My heart aches.
My BUTT aches.
I have to ice my bottom every night so I don't feel as much pain from the progesterone oil shot that Spencer has to administer to my rear-end muscle tissue.  It helps to numb it a little.  But I can't do anything for the extreme soreness that I feel from constantly puncturing the muscle back there.  It seriously feels like I ran a marathon!

But mostly my heart aches.  Those 2 little embryos died.  They were supposed to be our future children!  They were supposed to be our backup plan if this round didn't work.  Or they were going to be frozen so we could use them in the future rather than having to go through the whole IVF process again.  It would have been so much cheaper.  But now we'll have to start from scratch again...Pay for the whole thing, and go through the whole thing again.  My heart aches for the loss of life.  My heart aches for the worry that I could have another big loss in about a week.  And my mind is going crazy having to wait.  It's like being stabbed slowly rather than quickly.

My house is a WRECK!  It has been for about a month now because of the work Spencer started in the living room, which of course overlapped into a million other projects.  Everything is pulled apart.  I have hardly any energy to do anything about it.  And it's driving me MAD.

I feel so disturbed and upset.

But I know I should be feeling happy and excited.
I had such an amazing experience last Friday during the embryo transfer.  I want to remember that and hold onto it.  But my heart aches for the loss.

Heavenly Father, please help me to overcome.
Help me to mourn without becoming angry.
Help me to have humility and seek thee for strength.  For comfort.  Peace.  Direction.

I'm not sure I can do it.
I'm not sure I can suffer another loss.
I may be swallowed whole by my grief.
I may never surface.
Please don't make me go through that!  I beg of thee!
Remove this cup from me!... Nevertheless, not my will, but thine, be done.
I will submit to thy will.  And I will try to endure it well if that's what is asked of me.