dumping fear

The decision was made a while ago...The Plan was made.  It was about time to DO something already!  It was at the first of the year that we went back to the infertility Doc, and the plans rolled into motion.  The surgery to remove endometriosis was a bit of a shocker, but a necessary step in the journey to make The Plan happen.  2 months worth of waiting was necessary to allow things to heal.  And after that we found out the actual cost that IUI would entail, and so we waited a couple more months while we tried to save money.  And then we decided June was the month...oh but wait!...A mandatory business trip to Alaska was scheduled for Spence, and well, his "contribution" is kind of essential, so June was a no-go.  And so on to July!  Dadgum it, he had a Scout camp that he had to attend as the ward YM Pres.  August, perhaps?  Nope.  Another business trip.  But this time it was to UTAH!  And I got to go with him and we visited his family.  I didn't know at the time what a blessing this trip to Utah would be for us.  September, we come back and are filled with a renewed determination to just schedule this flippin' IUI and not let anything stand in the way!  The funds have come together for us, and now we just need the timing to.  September 20th, I made that phone call to get it all started.  Oddly enough, it was so hard to pick up that phone and dial those numbers.
 Funny how you can want something so bad and NOT want it at the same time.  I sat down and began a blog post and typed the following paragraph back in September shortly after I made that phone call.  I obviously never finished it.  But I'm grateful for the words, because they push me on even now:

"I'm so ready to try it and I hope the Lord is ready too...perhaps he's just been waiting on me all along, instead of the other way around.  This is actually a pretty big plunge of faith for me.  I've been waiting and hoping to take this step, but timing and money didn't seem to be in our favor.  But even still, the fear of the unknown...or more so the fear of the emotional devastation that possibly awaits around the corner...has kept me feeling hesitant.  I obviously have still hoped for the miracle of a natural pregnancy, too.  But it's time to toss all of my reservations to the side...NO!...not to the side, but to the dump truck that takes it to the landfill to be BURNED!  I need to totally get rid of it and let myself roll with the punches and be free to feel the pain...and eventually the joy.  No fear.  I can do this."

 The very next day I had an Injections Class where the nurse taught me how to stick myself with the needle and change the dosage amounts on the gonal-f needle pen.  

• Injections class [check].  
• FREE meds from my sweet, sweet cousin, Kelly (she did several rounds of IUI and then randomly got pregnant on her own!  so cool!  so she donated her leftovers to me.  SUCH a blessing)...enough for 2 IUI rounds! [check]  
• 3 week wait until my next period starts [check]. 

{October 12} period starts. ~sigh~ I go through the mental struggle described in the above purple paragraph again.  Must. pick. up. phone.  Just one. number. at. a. time.  "I can do this."
*RiNG! RiNG!*  It's dialing....  Nurse answers!  Oh wait, she has to go find my chart.... On hold for a looooong time.  Something sinks in my stomach that seems to be a warning to me that something isn't quite right.  Nurse comes back and has that tone in her voice.  She went through a long drawn out explanation just to get to the apologetic point that we couldn't do IUI this month.  The reason?  Dr. Butler AND the other lab Dr. in the office will be gone to a national infertility convention the very weekend we would need to do the actual IUI (would have been this past weekend, Oct. 23-24).  "Oh, that's fine.  That's okay!" I politely say. "I'll call next month when my period starts."  I hang up the phone thinking I'm okay.  And then without warning, the body racking sobbing tears come.  I can't seem to control it.  In the moment, I am SO devastatingly disappointed.  Especially after the courage I had to rake up to even make the blasted phone call.

I took a day to be sad.

I felt so much love from so many people in that sad moment along this journey.  And for that I am forever grateful.  All kinds of encouraging, compassionate words on Facebook (I ♥ FB), and 2 friends that even brought me flowers!!  One was sent from sweet Holly Nelson, who is in the middle of a big remodel of her new home in AZ, and yet she took a moment to have flowers sent to my doorstep.  What a jewel of a woman she is!  (sorry I didn't think to take a picture of the flowers until a week later when they were about gone. But I took the picture anyway).  Oh, and my mom and dad {tried} to doorbell ditch and leave some freshly picked apples on my doorstep.  I say tried, because they are too old and slow that they weren't even gone from my driveway by the time I got to the door!  haha!  Even funnier, they drove off anyway!  My parents are a hoot.

And just like that, I was back to normal the very next day.  I guess I've at least learned to rebound quickly.  My coping routine consists of acknowledging the sadness, and then pressing forward as soon as possible, focusing on the happiness around me.  And that brings out the happiness within.  And infinite hope prevails.  

I enjoy being happy.  Who doesn't, right?!  But I think even more seriously I dadgum hate being sad.  Or mad.  I avoid it like the plague.  I try to rid myself of it as quickly as possible.  To help remind myself, I bought myself a little gift from The Rusted Chain:

*and just in case you couldn't tell, that is indeed an "h" for "happiness."  Not an "n" for "nappiness."  haha!