I must admit...
... I tend to only want to blog when I am feeling happy.
I don't always like to admit to the world that I am struggling, especially when it's emotionally. Emotions are not always an easy thing to put your finger on, particularly for women. We start to cry at the drop of a hat for no reason at all, or so it seems. I don't cry very often throughout the month. I tend to hold everything in even if I do have a reason to be sad. But then I get to that particular week, and EVERYTHING unloads. It seriously interferes with my ability to function normally. I cry and cry and cry...and then I become very inactive and incoherent. And I cry some more. I don't answer the phone or the door. I literally mourn for a whole week or so. And then I go back to normal. Sounds a little psycho, huh?
Well, I've decided that I don't care.
That just how I feel. Some people don't agree with my open and honest policy about our infertility situation, but I don't care. This is a blog about our life, and if you honestly care and want to know about what's going on with us, with me, then you would want to know about this rather than it making you uncomfortable, because it is the biggest thing happening to us right now. It is literally the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. It's like learning about the death of a family member every single month...that's how painful it is. You'd think I would just get over it, or get used to it...Accept it once and for all. But I've learned that each month is a cycle of mourning...then acceptance...then, once again, hope for the future.
I hesitate to blog about stuff like this because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me... EVERYONE's got a trial or a problem going on... I am certainly not the only one, and I don't always know about what's going on with everybody. ...Somehow I just feel compelled to help others understand what's going on with me and why I'm not exactly myself all the time. I guess because that's what's so hard for me about it all... feeling like people don't understand.
And that I am left behind.
But I enjoy preparing for motherhood! So many of you are such good examples to me. I am always taking mental notes from each of you! Thank you for all of your love and support. You have no idea how much it lifts me up.
Sorry for the bleak post.
More upbeat news coming soon...
Thanks for being honest... it's brave and it helps you and the rest of us! It's always good to know that everyone struggles, so we don't feel so alone. I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time, the best I can do is cry a little with you, which I am. Good Luck! I must admit, every time I look at your blog I'm hoping for that news, because I know what a wonderful mother you will be!
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) I love you Amy!
ReplyDeletePlease don't apoligize, I think it's a really good thing that you post your feelings and are open and honest. It's good for people to understand what you are going through so they don't make rude, ignorant comments. And the fact of the matter is that what you are going through is probably the hardest, sadest, most heartbreaking trial a woman could go through. I can't even imagine Amy, so please let us help you or at least just cry with you and love you. The way you descibed it as mourning the death of a family member month after month was a really good way to put it and it really helped me feel some of the pain that you must feel and I just hurt for you Amy. I want to make it better and I don't know how. I know you know that Heavenly Father has a plan for you and Spencer but it sure as heck doesn't make it any easier and I think Heavnely Father is ok with how you are feeling and he understands, and that he's hurting with you guys and that he's so proud of you guys for hanging in there. I love you Amy, you're not alone, we're praying for you guys.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that things are not going well in the kid department. Just think of it this way... maybe the Lord is waiting to send a very special spirit to you and it just is not ready to come yet. I don't know how long you guys have tried for a baby, but it took my oldest sister 2 years and my second oldest sister 1 1/2 years before they had babies and they were told they had cysts on their ovaries. But, things always work out. Maybe not the way we plan, but the way that the Lord has planned for us. Keep your head up and know I am thinking of you! You are such a strong person and so fun to be around! I miss seeing you! If you are ever down in Texas, give me a call!!
Oh Amy, my heart just hurts for you. I can some what relate to what you are going through and it sucks and it is okay to be upset and sad about it. This is by far, the hardest thing that I have ever faced and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. And so for you, being one of my all time favorite people, I just hurt for you and I am sorry. We need to have a good laugh session. Trust me, I haven't had one of those in a very long time! You are amazing! You remember that! And if you want to be ticked, then go for it! You are too amazing of a woman to not be a mother and I know that someday you will be blessed with that. Love ya girlie!
ReplyDeleteP.S. TAG! You're it! Check out our blogs for details.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I wish I could make your pain and sadness go away. I'm sure Heavenly Father is mindful of you and knows that your desires are righteous. He also sees what faithful service you give, and He will not deny you blessings. Keep the faith...miracles do happen!
ReplyDeleteI love and miss you tons, Amy!
You are my special, wonderful sister!
Love,
Yona
Don't feel bad honey. I know exactly how you feel and it is completely normal. Now that we have Sydney I appreciate the 6 years we had just us, but at the time it was impossible to feel that way. Call me hon and we can chat again! I miss and love you and hope that you're hanging in there. Some days that's all you can do! At least that new job will increase your endorphins - endorphins make you happy! And we all know that happy people don't kill their husbands! Love you sweetie!
ReplyDeleteBlogging is about creating the chronicle of your family. The ups, downs, highs, and lows are what make a chronicle real. Imagine if when reading an ancestor's journal there was only good stuff.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post. We can empathize.